1. There’s a really, really high chance that one of my coworkers just asked me out. There’s also a really, really high chance he’s attractive, and yet I’m not attracted to him. Because I’m a shitty person who’s into another co-worker who probably doesn’t like me back. Because I suck. 
  2. But this isn’t to deny the fact that once, after several hefty mugs of wine too many, that this disinterested coworker didn’t ask me out to Panera Bread once, upon taking note of my Panera card hanging off my keyring. But he’s silly like that, always asking about my keys and keyrings and why I go to the places I go. Damn introspective analytical genius artist boy. 
  3. There’s also a really high chance I should go to university counseling. But this is what I get for being more up-front with myself, my feelings, and letting others in, right? At least I know people are there for me, which is oddly comforting because of how alone I always feel. 
  4. It’s also quite cloudy, with a super-high chance of multiple breakdowns in one day; over the phone, over text message, in front of a friend. This guilt is eating at me. These feelings of inadequacy are gnawing at my insides, taking over my every feeling. I’m not really happy, but at least I’m making people aware of how unhappy I am? I don’t know. People probably think I’m a headcase. But putting on false pretenses has gotten old for me. 
  5. I think I’ve lost weight and I’m not even mad. 
  6. I’ve definitely gotten checked out at the DC’s and in the library and at other places on campus. Which is like, nice and all, but I really wish my sad feelings didn’t inhibit me from actually feeling hot/sexiii/powerful/FIERCE. Because I just really believe that all the boys at my school are delusional and probably have really bad vision or are probably under the influence of too many drugs to actually discern who’s attractive and who isn’t. 
  7. I’m twenty. I’m a virgin. I feel like this is inhibiting me from feeling confident around boys. I also feel like this should change soon, and I should overcome my lack of sexual confidence and come to terms with the fact that by fearing having sex due to my lack of experience, I’m literally quarantining myself into celibacy until an age where it’s starting to get awkward.
  8. But also the concept of STD’s and birth control are scary?????????
  9. I’m going home this weekend because self-loathing and anxiety have gotten the worst of me, but I also feel like home is a trigger for said feelings. This fucking conondrum. 
  10. Also I really just want to go out and get drunk and make bad decisions because I was really well-behaved last weekend. 
  11. I have a microeconomics quiz tomorrow. Look at all the work I haven’t done! 
  12. Stress Relief tea is a godsend, as are all things lavender. 
  13. I don’t really know what’s good for myself until it’s way too late. 
  14. So yeah. i’m hungry and I want a bag of chips but it’s 12:57 am and my body will hate me tomorrow.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s