I don’t know what’s wrong with me, and I don’t understand how to make these sad feelings disappear.
They feel like weights, giant dumbells, or something more… gruesome than dumbells; giant sacks of sand on each shoulder, big black bags brimming with grains upon grains of sand that weigh down my shoulders and my mind and my conscience and my entire self. Everything’s going well. Everything’s going splendid. I’ve finally found a major I love, settled into three wonderful social groups and am surrounded by wonderful people. I’ve got a great job that’s nixing my housing bill for the year, and replacing it with a killer stipend. Somehow, I even landed an internship with a top international labor rights organization that’s a mere five-minute drive from campus. Boys are into me. Boys. are. into. me. I’ve met the most amazing boy ever, and even though my hopes aren’t extremely high, we’re friends and that’s something too. I’m losing weight, shaping up, exercising more, eating less (or more of the right foods). I literally do not understand why I’m sad.
But every day I just keep telling myself I’m a fuckup. A worthless piece-of-shit who’s never going to go anywhere, get a job, win over the heart of some actually worthwhile boy, get into law school. I’m just feeling worthless, almost like I want to die, but life’s alright too. I feel like I keep letting people down, that last year I set some sorts of expectations for the social butterfly I was supposed to be, and this year I came in with a fifty-pound bag of guilt hanging in my core, and it’s impossible to ever feel alright. I’m sorry, then. I’m sorry to a ton of people, for not being good enough, for not being outgoing or witty or funny enough anymore, for not being as smart as I sounded on paper, for not being that great at kissing or dancing or loving. I owe apologies left and right and it’s hurting me, I owe apologies to myself and I’m losing track of what for because there’s so many. So maybe this is rock bottom, feeling unwanted by my residents and friends and coworkers and classmates and boys and everyone else in the world. Maybe this is how it feels to be utterly and completely alone. Maybe I want to get out of being alone and don’t know how, because even when I’m surrounded by people, people who love me, people who I love, I still feel alone.