well shit, I’m tipsy and emotional. I mean, I didn’t actually get drunk tonight or do anything stupid, and honestly just constructed a placebo effect to act more ridiculous than i actually was. So anyways here’s a series of notes to people i owe notes to, none of whom will see them. names not included because, well, let’s keep this so anonymous it hurts.
1. you’re shitty. I was obsessed with you last year, then realized the reason I liked you was because you’re the closest thing to everything I’d ever known and grown up with. Which again, was shitty. You have awful taste in girls. You’re kind of pretentious. You’re a great human being, but we’re really fucking distant and I don’t understand why and to be quite honest, the odds are that we’ll never really understand why. Maybe you know that somewhere deep down in me, i’m never fully actually 100% over you and a teeny tiny part of me has a crush on you. maybe at some point you had a crush on me. actually that’s virtually improbable, as i’m too weird for you, and you have horrible taste in girls.
2. you’re like, my biggest fucking inspiration. it’s crazy because we worked together for a summer and i thought nothing of you or your abilities and just regarded you as a mediocre college-summer-job worker who just liked getting laid a lot. but then you started pursuing the things you loved, and everything else fell into place. you moved to england to do graduate school, because you could. because it’s all you’d wanted, and it’s what would make you happy. you taught me how to look into what satisfies me, and to pursue my own personal happiness that way. whenever i thought what would [person] do to achieve their own personal happiness and success, i was my happiest.
3. you’re so much fun and so great to have as a best friend, you’re clever and hilarious and introspective and intelligent and awesome. we’d been friends before, and you’d taken some time off from school to get your own things worked out and you’d basically fallen out o my life. but it’s so great to have you back, you’re amazing. i wish we could be roommates next year, as we’d be the best of roommates and thrown the best of parties and just had a really fucking awesome time. but i’m working as an ra and you’re living in sobriety housing for your roommate’s sake, so yeah.
4. if my gaydar didn’t go off so hard for you, id’ possibly have a crush on you because you’re incredibly attractive and actually quite funny and smart and witty. but the problem is that i am still trying to figure out how and why you’re actually straight. and you with [gay friend] would be a wonderful couple. i’d be so happy for you.
5. everything that’s wrong with you is my fault and i owe you all the apologies for it. i owe you apologies for not setting my foot down when things went wrong. i owe you apologies for when you grew dependence on chemicals to find happiness and i diidn’t have it in me to tell you to stop. i didn’t know how bad things were, i just knew they were bad and i knew i didnt know how to act upon them. you’re a wonderful individual, you’re brilliant and hardworking and ambitious, humble and sweet and genuinely caring for those who mean the most to you. those who mean the most to you have probably hurt you. i know i did. i know others who did. it’s acruel world out there and even if we believe we’re helping you, we’re probably hurting you. i’m glad you got caught, i’m glad you’re in trouble, i’m glad you’re recieving the harsh treatment you had feared. i want you to get better, and this is the only way. just be okay.