a) I’m not attracted to you. Maybe I am, slightly. You’re dopey and a little awkward and quiet and well-intentioned. I’m going to be honest, it’s the fact that you’re so dopey and awkward and quite frankly, kind of unintelligent. I mean… you didn’t even capitalize the letters in a Facebook message you sent to a friend, and your punctuation was all wrong. You looked like a bumbling idiot next to that Ivy Leaguer on the bus back from that meeting today. Maybe I still like you. Maybe this is another thing I’m trying to figure out, more with myself than with regards to you in particular.

b) I can’t be attracted to anyone because you’re all flawed. That being said, nobody should be attracted to me either, because I’m flawed too. I exist with the burden that there’s something inherently wrong with anyone I’ll ever take interest in, and I’m doing wrong by ever liking you. None of you should invest your interest in me. I’ll go die alone. Believe me, I’ll be happier existing without the burden of existing in a two-way linkage of flaws, and keeping myself as my own problem alone.

c) I’m sorry you like me. I’m sorry you liked me last year, I’m sorry I never realized before we became close friends. I’m happy we grew apart, I’m happy we went our separate ways and weren’t as good of friends as we were last year. I’ve changed, matured, learned to see the true colors in things. You’ve grown more fazed, banking your happiness on the people who aren’t there for you. Stop investing your energy in me. I’m not going to feel that way about you, I never have, and never will. The reason I could become such good friends with you was because I knew, and know even more so now, that it would be absolutely impossible for me to ever be attracted to you, on both a physical and mental level. You’re absolutely horrid, a girl’s worst nightmare for boyfriend material. I’m not stable, even if I’m an expert at projecting such an image, and the last thing I’d need is for you to keep waiting and hoping for yet another thing that will never work in your favor.

d) I still find it sexier if you have an internship with JP Morgan, than if you can pump iron.

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